The Rest of the Story

For our first Valentine’s Day, I took Julie to The Joshua Wilton House.  It was the fanciest restaurant in Harrisonburg and boy did we feel fancy.  I think it went a long way in impressing her, but also set the bar a bit high for future Valentine’s  Day’s.

Julie was a server at Chili’s for most of college.  I would go in from time to time to sit in her section.  She would give me what she could for free, dessert, drinks, maybe an appetizer.  But all the savings was lost for me because I would tip very generously.  Hey, I am not above a bit of bribery to make sure a girl that I really liked, liked me in return.

Privacy was hard to come by when we both had roommates in our efficiency type dorm rooms.  I remember once taking Julie out for ice cream and to watch the sun set.  After we finished our ice cream, one thing led to another and Julie and I stated to make out sitting on a hill by an elementary school.  I guess one of the neighbors was suspicious of us being there, so our brief moment of privacy was interrupted by a police siren. 

I don’t remember exactly when it was, but there was a weekend when we organized both of our parents to come to JMU for the weekend.  Unbeknownst to us, both sets of parents, on their own, thought that we were going to announce an engagement.  At the time, this seemed crazy to Julie and I.  We were young and having fun with the leisure of college life.  We loved each other.  We spent a ton of time together, but marriage wasn't on our radar screen.  Looking back though, it would have made a lot of sense.  If either of us stopped long enough to think about it, we were made for one another.  Our relationship just seemed to fit.  That, added to the fact that my future Father in law passed away just 2 weeks before our wedding, makes hindsight on this clear as day.

Graduation time came, and in a time in my life when all seemed gray and hazy, one thing was clear ... whatever was to come, be it greatness or failure, pleasant or somber, simple or foreboding ... I needed Julie by my side, in my corner, cheering me on, each step of the way.   

“May I have your blessing, to marry your daughter?” I know … a bit old fashioned.  But it was the right thing to do and a direct request of my future bride.  I knew Julie’s parents well and didn't expect anything but full throated support … but still.  I was at Julie’s house for a weekend and I pulled John and Trudy aside and asked if it would be OK if I would marry their daughter.  Trudy actually jumped, clapped her hands and cheered.  John gave me a big smile and a firm handshake.  I felt so lucky to be joining such a fun and loving family.

I am a rather impulsive person, for being so introspective.  I take my time in making a decision, but when my mind is made up, I tend to leap right in to get it done.  This led to a small problem when it came to the proposal.  We were lounging around my apartment, talking about the future.  This was after graduation and everyone had pretty much left school for the summer or for good.  It came to a point in the conversation that I thought would be an appropriate time to ask Julie to marry me.  Now, I am going to pause here to let you know that I was somewhat naive to importance that is placed on the proposal.  I want to make it clear, Julie did not turn me down, but the stipulation was attached to the “Yes”, that the proposal would be repeated.  Turns out that I ended up proposing about a dozen more times over the next year or so, the last being delivered by roses to her changing room at the church on our wedding day.  I came to quite enjoy asking Julie to marry me over and over, hearing her say “Yes” every time!

The first time I saw Julie on our wedding day was at the back of the church, at the end of the isle, walking toward me to become my wife.  That moment will forever be etched in my memory as the first time I understood what it would be to see an angel coming toward you.  She was stunning in her white dress and had a smile on her face that brought tears to my eyes.  I am so lucky to have found Julie.  I could not ask for better wife and friend to spend the rest of my days with.

Ahh ... Wisdom

Julie had her wisdom teeth taken out shortly after we started dating and her Mom, Trudy, came to help her out.  I showed up at her door with get well flowers … made quite the impression on the future Mother in Law :)

Our First Date

I was pretty shy through my teenage years (and who’s kidding, my twenties and thirties too).  Even after hanging out with Julie a bit, asking her out with her saying yes, I was having a tough time gathering courage.  The day we were to go out, I had still not set a time or place.  I was so nervous, that I avoided the subject and in turn Julie, for most of the day (still hear about that from time to time).  We went out, Ruby Tuesday, and had a nice meal.  The bill came and Julie protested, that she wanted to pay her part.  Being the strong, confident man that I was, I went ahead and split the check with her (another thing that I hear about from time to time).  Even after that stunning first impression, She went out with me again…

The First Meeting

It was move in day at James Madison University.  We were sophomores and both living in Dorm named Dentons, in downtown Harrisonburg, VA.  It was a four story building.  My room was on the second floor, Julie’s was on the third and a friend of Julie’s room was on the fourth, directly above my room.  Our door was still propped from moving in boxes and such.  All of the sudden, I hear a girl talking as she comes into our room.  I walk around the corner and see Julie for the first time.  I would like to say there was love at first sight, but first I was startled some random girl was in my apartment and second, she was going on about this gooey white liquid in her hand.  You see, she tried out some shampoo that her friend had recommended (the same friend that lived two floors directly above me), and the shampoo had seemed to be spoiled.  In her haste, she jumped on the elevator and went down, instead of up, ending up in my room.  I find out later, Julie had seen me in the parking lot, thought I was cute, which just added to the embarrassment.  Little did we know at that time, we would tell that story about a thousand more times and who knows how many times to come … 

Valentines 2014

Little is known about the details of who St. Valentine or Valentinus was.  He was martyred on February 14^th 269 AD.  The popular belief is that he was killed for marrying men and women in Christian ceremonies.   In the spirit of Valentinus, I would like to share a number of things that have endeared me to my lovely bride through the years.  You see, marrying Julie is the best thing I have ever done in my life.  

10 years

So, I made a list ...

Own a business.  Have a child.  Out of debt.  Own a dog.  Own a home. 

So, I had a list ... but I had no plan.

I was 21.  The fun was over.  Time to decide ... What do I want to be when I grow up?  I had a degree in Business ... but no job (and nothing on the horizon.)

I had a list ... but absolutely no idea how to go about accomplishing anything on it.

In a time in my life when all seemed gray and hazy, one thing was clear ... whatever was to come, be it greatness or failure, pleasant or somber, simple or foreboding ... I needed Julie by my side, in my corner, cheering me on, each step of the way.   

I have a hard time putting into words exactly what makes Julie unique to me.  I think the answer lies in our differences.  Julie loves to be with people, to talk to them and hear their stories.  I tend to hide in the crowd.  She listens and reacts to people with true empathy. That is something that has always escaped me.  She makes an impression and leaves a mark with many that she meets.  I can typically fade off without a trace.  Being a person who tends to be very private and introverted, I am left in awe at how Julie can draw people close to her and really make an impact on them.

It is a cliche, I know, but it is so true that opposites attract.  I think that it can be a truly uniting relationship when two people, who are seemingly so different, use those differences to become "whole".  "AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh." (Mark 10:8)

Julie and I hold common values; respect, caring, compassion.  I think you need to have core values in common with someone to use as a base when trying to navigate through your differences.  Now, not to mislead you, it has not been all candy canes and lolly pops.  We have had to work really hard to keep things moving in the right direction over the years.  We have maneuvered past college (where we dated for 3 years), the loss of a parent, the birth of a child at a relatively early age, crazy work schedules, moving to a new and unfamiliar city, opening a business, twins, closing a business.  But through all of that I think we are as strong a couple as ever.

Our pastor put it best when speaking about his marriage, that no matter what happens (with certain and obvious exceptions), or how bad things might be right now, you can't have an exit sign hanging over your marriage.  If you love and respect each other, and you were sincere when you spoke 'till death do part, then you should be able to handle just about anything.  I think that it helps our marriage to have this mentality.  We know we are here for the long haul.

So what else can I say?

I love my wife.  I love how she laughs.  I love how beautiful she is.  She is a wonderful mother.  She is my best friend and I can't begin to describe what that means to me.

It continues to amaze me, no matter how I may mess up, she continues to show me love and grace.  She continues to be my greatest fan and number one cheerleader.

So, I had a list ... 11years ago ... and today, 10 years since our wedding day, I still need Julie by my side, in my corner, cheering me on each step of the way.

Snow Days

It is so quiet when it snows.  It is so quiet, that if you listen real carefully, you can here the snow landing on the snow that has fallen before it.  It is so peaceful.

A lot of people believe that if you cover an alligators head with a bag or a blanket that they go to sleep.  Turns out that this is just a myth, but it does calm them down, lowers their heart rate and minimizes the amount of adrenaline that is released into their bodies.

I think a "blanket" of freshly fallen snow is God's way of calming us down, lowering our heart rate and minimizing the flow of adrenaline into our bodies.

Studies have shown that the holiday season, which we are just coming out of, for a number of reasons, is the time of year when a lot of heart attacks occur.  And also, surprisingly (or not so much, when you think about it) heart attacks occur 20% more on Mondays than any other day of the week.

So to have a Monday without the sounds of school buses, cars horns, phones ringing, text messages and e-mail chimes, but instead the sounds of children laughing, sleds sliding, and hot chocolate percolating, leads me to believe that someone dropped a blanket over the world in a way to say, relax, enjoy, no need to rush today.

Blogging

To tell you the truth, I really have no idea what is about to come out of my head and into the computer, but I felt the need to write.  This time last year was when I really started blogging heavily and I miss it.  Now being a stay at home dad gave me a lot of inspiration, while working outside the home in a small office really doesn't provide all that much material (at least the type of material you could share on a blog that could easily accessed by your boss and coworker).

So here I am writing with no clear direction.  I remember in high school I had an English class that the teacher would require us to write for 10 minutes with out stopping.  There was no topic given, so we were to write whatever comes to mind.  I really liked that, so I am going to try it once again.  Here goes...

It is 2:09 pm and I am basically ignoring my children right now.  Zadie is napping and Zoe and Zane are slowly closing in on me.  They do this when they are being ignored.  They find something to do but do it right next ot you and ask lots of questions about it.

They are now asking me to go to church.  A couple of problems with this.  It is now 2:11 pm and the last service ended at 12:30.  Zane has been throwing up for the past 3 days and the church has a policy that symptoms can not be present for at least 24 hours to be allowed into the childrens program.

I just took away a toy camera from Zoe and Zane because they were fighting over it when I expressly told them to share nicely. I put the camera on the fridge and they are devising a way to get to the camera.  Zane has now come over to me and asked in a very annoyed voice," why did you put that camera on the fridge?  Momma is going to be very mad at you!"  As he said the last line, Zoe put her hands on hips, looked at me angrily and sighed.  Then she said to Zane, "we can figure this out, come on."

I don't know why Zane is still sick.  Usually a stomach virus in a 24 and done type of thing, but it has been 3 days.  I do have to say, he is the best vomiter that I have ever seen.  It just comes out, he gets cleaned up and he is off again.  The other night, we were at the table.  He ran to the bathroom, threw-up, washed his face and hands and came back to the table and asked for cookies and milk.

I guess Zoe could not come up with anything to get her camera down, so she resorted to standing a couple feet from me, putting her hands on her hips, stomping her foot and demanding, "Daddy, get my camera down right now!"  It didn't work.

That's ten minutes.  That was fun.

Time

I don't remember if we had Zach yet or not, but if we did, he was young.  I remember my sister in-law telling a story of her son, who was around nine, thinking that he slept about twenty minutes every night.  It was my first introduction to a child's inability to understand and conceive lengths of time.  It makes sense right? It is not until children are older that they can conceptualize a length or period of passing time.  They just don't have the capacity ... right?

I have another theory, that arose tonight just before bedtime.  Julie gave the, "Five minutes to bedtime" warning and then, about 75 seconds later announced, "OK, time for bed."  Of course Zach immediately called her out on it and bedtime was delayed for a few more minutes.  But how many times do we do this.  "I will get you a drink in a minute" ... forty-five minutes later, still an empty cup.  "I just need five minutes to relax and check my e-mail" ... ten e-mails, five Facebook posts, some online shopping, a few YouTube clips and two hours later, you wonder where the baby is, why there is water all over the floor and who made the mac and cheese that is on the stove.

No wonder our children are so screwed up when it comes to time.  Children are the most literal people that I know.  What was the first thing Zane did when opening his new Buzz Lightyear action figure at his birthday party?  He threw him across the yard (popping Buzzes wing right out of joint).  When I asked him, "Why did you do that?"  His response to me, "I thought Buzz Lightyear could fly."

So for the sake of all of the children out there suffering from the terrible ailment of Horologagnosia, let us work to be more diligent in accurately blowing our children off.

Not for the squeamish

Most likely if you are reading this you are familiar with my previous blog, My life as a stay at home dad.  If you are not, I have 4 children.  Zach, 8, Zane and Zoe, 3 year old twins, and Zadie, 1.  Zane tends to be my wild card as you can read in, My Wonderful Nemesis, The Zane-Meister, among others.  Here is a story from Zane that happened recently.  I hope that you enjoy.

Our church, now that it is coming on winter, has popcorn and hot chocolate available after each service.  As we were settling into the car I saw in the rear-view mirror a small white piece of popcorn perched at the base of Zane's right nostril.  Being the diligent and attentive father that I am, I asked, "Zane, what is that in your nose."  This of course caused him to instantly inhale deeply through his nose, causing said popcorn to disappear from sight.  Again, playing the role of diligent and attentive father, I thought, "what harm could it do," and I started the trek down the road toward home.  About five minutes into the ride home I heard a big sneeze from the rear of the car.  I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw a large amount of snot running down Zane's upper lip (I warned you, it was not for the squeamish).  I thought in my head, "well at least it probably got the popcorn kernel out."  This was confirmed when Zach piped up from the back that, "Dad, I see the popcorn kernel.  It came out when he sneezed."

He followed this up later in the day by sticking a piece of pretzel chip into the same nostril and extracting it in much the same way.

I look back on this experience and I laugh (and I hope you do too).  But it amazes me when I think back to the actual moment of it happening and thinking how commonplace and ordinary of an experience it seemed to be.  I think that is part of the joy of having multiple kids.  A family with a single child may have headed to the urgent care or emergency room if there was a popcorn kernel lodged in their nostril.  Families with multiples say, "Oh I am sure he will be fine, thats why God gave us two nostrils." 

Purpose

How many of us are living the life that we imagined as kids.  I am a bit of a daydreamer.  When I was young I would imagine myself a baseball or basketball star. Perhaps a professional golfer, or president of a very prestigious business.  Kids imagine themselves doctors, fireman, teachers, police officers.  They could be veterinarians, astronauts or a movie actor.  But who envisioned themselves as an accountant, a sales clerk or the client services manager for a signs and graphics company?

My goal, my dream, professionally, was to own my own business.  This dominated my thinking starting in high school and on through college.  I had the opportunity to achieve that dream, but sadly it did not work out.  I still have thoughts or inklings to try again, but to tell you the truth, I don't think that I was very good at it.  Plus, the thought of someone else paying the bills and dealing with the headaches and me receiving a consistent paycheck sounds pretty good at this point.

Ever since I realized that my dream was a fading reality, I have tried to grab on to a new sense of purpose.  A new idea to chart my next course by.  I want to matter, and I want to do something that has purpose and will impact the masses.  I search my fading memories as to how I decided it was my purpose to become a business owner.  I find my vision clouded.  But I think it is easier to see when you are younger.  Four kids, a wife, and a mortgage tends to cloud the crystal ball.

I had an interesting conversation with my brother on this topic.  He has dreams to be a full-time, professional photographer.  Whatever job he may be doing at the time, he has that dream in the back, front or middle of his mind (depending on the day, I am sure).  He lives in the San Francisco area and has found that he can make a pretty decent living as a bartender at an upscale hotel.  While he strives to pursue his photography, he had such an interesting take on his current station in life.  I made a comment about doing something in life that matters and has real purpose and he said that he looks at it like this.  "I see, typically weary, business travelers and people coming off a long day at work, come in, sit down to relax.  I offer them a drink, a smile and help them to relax and wind down after a long day.  Right now, that is my purpose, to help them relax."

Maybe it is not about saving the world or impacting the masses.  Maybe it is finding a way to be purposeful where you are.  We have dozens of interactions everyday with some people that we know well and others that we do not know at all.  We have the opportunity to impact the masses every day.  We can be the most sincere accountant, the friendliest sales clerk and the most helpful and contientious client service manager we can be.  And maybe, just maybe, while in the thick of the daily grind and daily minutia, we can find our purpose and acheive our dreams.

feeding taddy

I was performing the bedtime routine for our 3 year old twins, Zoe and Zane.  Everything was normal, they were fighting the nap, but still complying.  They brushed their teeth.  They changed into their pajamas and were heading to bed.  It was then that I noticed that something was out of place.  On the dresser was a small container of tadpole/frog food that had been residing in Julie's dressar drawer.  I asked Zoe and Zane why the food was out and they responded, "We were feeding Taddy." 

If you are wondering who Taddy is, I will have to go back a few months.  Zachary, our oldest son, purchased with his birthday money a Star Wars themed tadpole habitat.  We then purchased a small tadpole that he named Taddy.  Zack did a great job of taking care of Taddy.  He fed him, cleaned his tank and took time with Taddy every day.

One day Zach came downstairs and said, "Come see what Taddy is doing, it's really funny."  The funny thing that Taddy was doing was "swimming" upside down in his tank.  Julie informed him that Taddy wasn't being funny, he had in fact died.  This devastated young Zach.  We consoled him. We talked about the options of what to do with Taddy.  Zach decided on a water burial (down the toilet).  We poured him in and Julie offered to say a prayer.  Then we gave Zach a chance to say something.  As he started to speak, his brother Zane walked in, sippy cup in his mouth.  He sauntered over to the toilet, looked in, removed the cup, smiled and said, "Hi Taddy".  Zach stopped his speech, rolled his eyes, flushed the toilet and walked out.

So months later, when two 3 year olds find a container of food, what choice do they have but to dump some into the last place that they saw Taddy. 

the sounds of "nothing"

To digress is to depart or deviate for the main topic or purpose.  I originally picked this as a title to my blog because I tend to wander a bit when I am writing, calling me to use the title phrase fairly often.  But the more I thought about it, it runs deeper than that.

I have a hard time expressing my thoughts and sharing my emotions in the "real" world (often to the consternation of my lovely wife).  But something happens when I am writing.  Veiled in the anonymity of the Internet, I am able to let some barriers down and share the thoughts and feelings that run through my mind but never make it to my lips.

For any of you that know me personally, you know that I tend to be quiet.  My answer to the question "what are you thinking", is often "nothing" or a vague snapshot of what is rattling around inside of my head.  When I first met my wife Julie, she perceived me as a snob, a rugby playing, party guy that was too cool for her.  The truth is that I come off quiet because I am shy and introspective.  In social situations I am quiet often because I am self conscious about how I will sound when contributing to the conversation.  I rehearse my response in my head, then gauge how my comments will play within the group.  Usually by the time I have "perfected" my input, the conversation has moved on to a point that my thoughts would be awkwardly placed, so I just remain quiet.   

This blog is my digression.  A tangent from the noise of everyday life.  A window into how I answer the question, "what are you thinking".  A chance for me to collect my thoughts, and arrange them in a way to start or at least move a conversation forward.  So here we go ...